Empathy in practice: listening and asking

Knowing what empathy is does not make you empathetic. It shows in two specific moments: when someone tells you something that worries them, and when you are the one who has to say something uncomfortable. In the first, almost all of us respond with quick advice or a story of our own. In the second, we fire off a reproach and the other person gets defensive. Both conversations end the same way: nobody feels understood and the problem is still where it was.

By the end of the lesson you will be able to listen in a way that makes the other person feel understood, recognise the responses that block a conversation even though they sound like help, and raise a complaint or a request using the four steps of Marshall Rosenberg's nonviolent communication, without attacking and without staying silent.

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Now try it. In the next practice you will see five situations in which someone tells you about a problem, and four ways of responding. Choose the one you would really use, not the one you think is right, and look at the explanation: what each response triggers in the person speaking to you.

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Takeaways

• Listening is understanding before responding: paraphrase, reflect and ask.
• Advising, minimising and talking about yourself seem like help and close the conversation down.
• Advice comes later, and is better when they ask for it.
• To say something uncomfortable: fact, feeling, need and a specific request.